"Well, according to the psi-scan sir, he's a pompous, know-all-know-nothing idiot called Mike Mellington. Who, incidentally, has a very small penis."
-Kryten (Back to Earth, Part Two)


A salesman working at an electronics shop in a department store in London in year 2009, it was his job to pimp the various television wares on sale. For example, he cagedly describes one set non-committedly as "a version of HD-ready" to one couple, and stresses that the audio system on one television was so good that it was as if "you were in the room, with them", which of course they were - given the screen was showing the Boys from the Dwarf after they came out of the dimensional portal.

He had noticed Arnold Rimmer's light bee fly across the room, but was convinced by his customer that the crash was just something on the TV. His customer notices the show on the screen, and idly wonders whether or not this is a new series of Red Dwarf. Mellington insists that he does not follow it himself, being science fiction, with all its "bollocks" exposition - specifically deriding the "rubbish" explanatory powers of the psi-scan. This is turned on him however, as Kryten uses said device only to discover Mellington is notably unendowed by scanning his e-mail orders for his fourth tub of penis enlargement cream.

This is all later revealed to be a hallucination caused by despair squid ink, but he does still exist in a parallel reality per dimension theory.

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