- NEWSREADER: Good evening. Here is the news on Friday, the 27th of Geldof. Archaeologists near Mount Sinai have discovered what is believed to be a missing page from the Bible. The page is currently being carbon dated in Bonn. If genuine it belongs at the beginning of the Bible and is believed to read "To my darling Candy. All characters portrayed within this book are fictitious and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental." The page has been universally condemned by church leaders.
- Europe. A terrorist representing the Revolutionary Working Front, a fanatical left wing group dedicated to eliminating the... (paused)
- ... middle class, was arrested today. The man, Henri le Clerque, was attempting to poison the mineral spring in France which is the source of all the world's Perrier water. Had he succeeded experts believe the middle class would have been wiped out within three weeks.
- Techno news. The new sensation sweeping the Solar System is the total immersion video game, "Better Than Life". Using the new senso-lock feedback technology, "Better Than Life" is able to detect all your desires and fantasies and then make them come true.
- So great is the appeal of "Better Than Life" when one store in New Tokyo ran out of stocks, rubber nuclear weapons had to be deployed to disperse the crowd.