Cloister the Stupid

"No, it's me! Lister, Cloister, Cloister, Lister, see!" - Cloister/Lister ("Waiting for God")

Cloister the Stupid, also known as the Holy Poppadum, is God in the religion of the Felis sapiens who had evolved on Red Dwarf, as recorded in the cat holy book, the Book of Smeg.

Cloister is believed to be the creator and protector of the cat race, and worship of Cloister was presided over by Cat Clerics.

Television Series[]

Series I[]

Cat describes how he was 'frozen in time' in order to save 'the holy mother' (Frankenstein, Lister's pet cat, from which the Felis sapiens race evolved). He actually turns out to be Lister ("The Stupid?!" Lister exclaims), who was put in suspended animation rather than giving up Frankenstein. The cats believed that one day he would return and lead them to Fuchal, the cat version of paradise. ("The End") This was a corruption of Lister's plan to set up home on Fiji. He would open a temple of food (diner) and serve hot dogs and doughnuts.

The Cat People went to war over what colour hats would be worn in Fuchal. Some believed them to be red and others blue. Most of the Cat People were killed during the civil war, which astounded Lister, since he had intended the hats to be green.

Cloister apparently gave the cat people Five Sacred Laws. Lister noted that he had broken four of them himself. He hadn't broken the fifth, but only because there were no sheep aboard Red Dwarf.

Lister's love of curries and other foods were incorporated into the Cat religion. Priests of the order wore sacred custard stains and gravy marks, and believed that Cloister would return wearing a golden doughnut and carrying a golden sausage.

Lister ultimately saw fit to fulfill this prophecy, taking some items from the statues of himself and barging in, in dramatic fashion, for the old dying Felis sapiens Cat Priest left in Supply Pipe 28. ("Waiting for God")

The Promised Land[]

The surviving nomadic Felis sapiens who had fled Red Dwarf in the Cat Ark eventually came to reside on a new fleet of starships. After a few decades, they came under the rule of the Feral Cats who worship the 'Feral King' Rodon as a living god.

Rodon decreed that the worship of Cloister was now punishable by death, However, some dissidents remained and sought after Cloister aboard Red Dwarf. Three Cat Clerics - Brother Sol, Sister Luna and Sister Peanut - find Cloister and worship him, giving him the title of Holy Poppadum.

When Arnold Rimmer as the superhero The Mighty Light defeated the Feral Cats and liberated the majority of the Felis sapiens, the cat race now worshiped him instead of Cloister. (The Promised Land)

Novels[]

In Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers, the Cat god was named either Cloister or Clister, depending on which faction was involved. It was this difference of theology that caused them to go to war with each other.