Can't Smeg, Won't Smeg is an episode of Can't Cook, Won't Cook guest starring the cast of Red Dwarf.
20th-century television chef Ainsley Harriot beams himself aboard the space vessel Starbug in order to test the crew's culinary skills. The programme therefore has a unique 'half-and-half' status with regard to being in or out of the Red Dwarf universe.
One special episode aired under the name "Can't Smeg, Won't Smeg" as part of the 10th anniversary of the Red Dwarf series; this can be seen on the Series IV DVD. The Red Dwarf cast participated in the show entirely in character. Ainsley Harriott, the host chef for the episode, had previously performed a small role in the Red Dwarf episode Emohawk: Polymorph II. Lister and Kryten face off against Rimmer and Duane Dibbley, as The Cat did not want to be on the same team as Rimmer
As the host of "Can't Cook, Won't Cook" teaches the teams how to cook a curry with Kristine Kochanski as taste test judge. The show was won by Rimmer and Duane. Not surprising considering they stole Ainsley's rice and cucumber yoghurt.
- Craig/Lister eating half a jar of curry paste and drinking from the can of coconut milk before pouring the rest into the curry.
- Chris/Rimmer keeping Ainsley occupied while Danny/Duane swapped their rice with Ainsley's.
- Ainsley realising whilst dishing up that Chris and Danny have also nicked his cucumber and tomato yoghurt.
- Kryten/Robert clearing the workstation with his Groinal Attachment,
- After Lister stares at Kochanski's butt, he asks why girls always hit people when they can't think of a witty retort. Kochanski responds by hitting him in the face with a pan.
- Ainsley sawing off Robert's groinal attachment with an electric carver.
- Danny entering as Duane through the waste disposal.
- Ainsley's reaction when they show him the ingredients they've brought along (in a section of the show mimicking another cooking program, Ready, Steady, Cook). A dead Space Weevil, a pot noodle, two bottles of Urine Recyc Wine, an innersole, a Mimian bladder fish, rice pudding made in the bowl Duane uses to get his hair cut with, and Caroline Carmen's ear.
- Craig asking if it's all right to bleed on the food.
- Chloë/Kochanski's face throughout the whole thing (she is ultimately the taste-tester).
- Ainsley nearly burning his rice. (Lister: "Well that's not very professional is it?")
- As the credits roll, everyone discovers how horrible Lister and Kryten's curry is.
- Ainsley Harriott: Just looks absolutely yummy... What am I doing with this pot? This is nothing like mine.
[to Rimmer and Duane]
- Ainsley Harriott: [shouts] You nicked my pot!
- Lister: And can I say that I really enjoyed those books you wrote about, you know, sticking your hand up a cow. Brilliant. Literature at it's most... literative.
- Kryten: He stuck his hand up a cow, sir?
- Lister: No, it was in a book.
- Kryten: He stuck his hand in a book and stuck the book up a cow? Talk about a bad read, was it a Jeffrey Archer?
- Kryten: This is Mr. Harriot, sir.
- Lister: I bet you got ribbed about that at school?
- Ainsley Harriott: Ribbed about what?
- Lister: You know having the initials AH. It's funny isn't it, AH?
- Ainsley Harriott: What are you going on about?
- Kryten: I think what Mr. Lister is getting at is that the initals AH are internationally known as the abbreviation for "Asshole". Ass Hole, AH, Asshole.
- Ainsley Harriott: Well, ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the fifth member of the crew, who has kindly volunteered to be our taste tester...
- Kryten: Well, actually sir, she didn't so much volunteer, more like lose the Ippy-Dippy.
- Ainsley Harriott: Welcome, Miss Kristine Kochanski!
- Ainsley Harriott: Our next contestant can't cook, but not because he's incapable; it's because he is a total smeghead. Welcome, Arnold Judas Rimmer.
- Rimmer: Ah, Mr. Harriott. May I start by saying what a great pleasure it is to have me here.
- Ainsley Harriott: I want you to show me all those wonderful ingredients you've brought. We're going to make a superb recipe. Okay, boys, let's see what you've brought so we can cook some culinary delight.
- Rimmer: Well, we searched the galley cupboards and this is what we've found... one dead space weevil.
- Lister: We got some wine made from urine recyc.
- Rimmer: Ah! The '52, an excellent year, very smooth. No aftertaste or hair loss.
- Lister: But I don't suppose that'd bother you, would it?
[Lister removes Ainsley's hat to reveal he is bald]
- Kryten: Also we have a Mimian bladder fish, sir.
- Duane Dibbley: I've got some rice pudding in the bowl I used when I get my hair cut!
- Lister: We've got an insole...
- Kryten: Er... a Pot Noodle.
- Lister: Caroline Carmen's ear.
- Ainsley Harriott: That is totally unhygienic!
- Lister: No, no, it's been kept in the fridge!
- Ainsley Harriott: [Ainsley loses his temper] Now listen you guys! What the hell do you think you're doing? I'm not going to be cooking with any piss wine, no armadillo whatever-it-is, Mimian trout and yeah, your rice pudding too! Get that in there! Enough, right? You'll be cooking what I say you'll be cooking!
[Kochanski is reluctantly preparing to taste the food]
- Ainsley Harriott: Want the blindfold on?
- Kochanski: I think I'd rather eat the blindfold.
- Ainsley Harriott: [rushing to a burning pan] The bloody rice is burning!
- Lister: Well that's not very professional, is it?
- Ainsley Harriott: [angry] SHUT UP!
- Lister: Keith Floyd was only fifty quid more, y'know!
Other articles of things featured in this particular episode